For The World Is Hollow, And I Have Written a Review About It

This is Moriarty/Yoshi's blog, which is dedicated to bringing you the very fangirliest in TV, toy and film reviews. Marvel at this English graduate's complete lack of synonyms and antonyms, and find yourself wrapped in a shroud of mystery at how she is incapable of phrasing a theory in less than six clauses.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

NECA Series 1 Hector Barbossa (Pirates of the Caribbean) Review


Hector Barbossa is the best character in the POTC franchise. Period.


Damn straight.

Portrayed by Geoffrey Rush as a morally-ambiguous magnificent bastard who hams his way through every problem (usually before shooting said problem in the face), Barbossa is one of the most interesting "villain" characters you'll ever encounter, and the only saving grace of At World's End and On Stranger Tides. Don't get me wrong, Depp's Jack Sparrow is an amazing creation who has seared himself upon my generation's brain as quickly and efficiently as the likes of Batman or Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, but personally I find Barbossa to be far, far more compelling because a) he is the bad guy b) it doesn't matter because you still want him to succeed, even if you're also rooting for the good guys.

Oh and these two...existed...I guess?

Monday, 9 July 2012

The Long Earth, by pTerry and bStephen


WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Ultimately, "The Long Earth" is a good idea. But, sadly, good ideas don't always make for good books, and this is painfully clear in the structure and 'plot' of this novel. In fact, when I reached page 288 I found myself asking why I was actually reading the thing; there was simply no semblance of any kind of story arc. There was an idea of a story-line - Lobsang and Joshua finding the end of the Long Earth, and later on (about 200 pages from the start) realising that the trolls and elves were running from something and trying to find out what that was - but it's so badly executed and takes so long to get going that at several points I almost gave up.


Friday, 20 April 2012

Big Fish Toys Garrus Vakarian Mass Effect 3 Review

Warning: this review may contain mild spoilers for Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2. There are no spoilers for Mass Effect 3. 

If you approached me before late 2010 and asked me if I would ever date a giant turtle, my answer would most likely be "no" and then some form of kick to the groin because you are obviously a freak. But after playing Mass Effect and Mass Effect 2 in some kind of frenzied Lucozade-fuelled marathon, my answer has now changed to "yes, if he's a Turian named Garrus Vakarian because that giant turtle-face is sexy as hell."

"Bringing sexy back? Hello, it never left."

In fact my copy of Mass Effect 3 has sadly been lying next to my Xbox 360 untouched since Easter because I've been too sick to play - the last thing our local hospital needs is a girl brought in with recurrent exploding ovaries. 

"I think I know what caused this. Check her Xbox 360 tray." 
"Is that a euphemism?"
"Probably."

One thing I could cope with though was pressing the "add to basket" button on Kapow Toys, and that's how I've ended up with this manly lump of gorgeous Turian plastic. Ladies and gentlemen of the gaming world, this is Big Fish Toys' Garrus Vakarian toy. It's ever-so-slightly incredible, so sit back, relax, and OH MY GOD PRESSLY GET AWAY FROM THAT CONSOLE PRESSLY NOOOO

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Enterprise: 11 Years On: A Review of "Fight or Flight"

Background to the Experiment

I can vaguely remember when I first learned of  Enterprise. My parents were huge sci-fi fans, and as of such I was mostly raised on TNG videos they found in the local charity shop, and on Voyager which aired throughout my childhood. (I raised myself on DS9 after discovering the existence of Doctor Bashir and his amazing woobie eyes.) Anyway, we were sat having lunch together in the living room and mum was flicking through the Radio Times when she suddenly stopped and said "Oh my god. There's going to be a new Star Trek series. And Scott Bakula is in it!"

We still had cable at the time, and when I wasn't watching Star Trek, Star Wars, V, Earth: Final Conflict or Third Rock from the Sun with my parents, I was watching the Sci-Fi channel whilst doing homework. (You see children, back then, the Sci-Fi channel actually showed sci-fi! Strange, I know.) As of such even at 12 years of age I was aware of who Scott Bakula was, and so we sat down together to watch the UK premiere of "Broken Bow" as a family of sci-fi geeks.

To boldly smile disinterestedly at your annoying first officer where nobody has done that particular thing before.

Art Asylum "Broken Bow" Captain Jonathan Archer Review

Okay, let's dispense with the obvious: Enterprise was kind-of pants. But it was good bad pants. They were the kind of pants that you saw in a charity shop and thought "wow, those are super good pants" and you bought them for 50p and took them home and wore them every day, and even though everyone gave you strange looks and told you the pants didn't really suit you you still loved them because fuck you, they're awesome bad pants.

(And since I am British-English and not American-English, this also means I narrowly avoided being arrested for public indecency on more than seventeen occasions.)

What I'm trying to say is, Enterprise was bad, and it pissed on established Trek canon, and the plots made my head hurt, and the dialogue made my head hurt, and the "this is such a 21st century production you could stick Will & Grace in there and nobody would really notice" attitude towards personal relationships made my head hurt, but the characters were super and I loved them so I suffered through two seasons before finally giving up and making up new adventures in my head that were way more awesome and involved Reed blowing up lots of planets.

They sort-of looked like this:

Reed: he's amazing at guns and shit.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Yoshi Reviews: Superman: The Director's Cut (1978ish)

Even as a comic-book fan, Superman never interested me very much. I’m all over the darker, more edgier (and more believable) heroes, like Batman, Green Lantern, Animal Man and briefly!detective Riddler. But when I saw the Special Edition Christopher Reeve Movie Boxset thing on sale for £10 at HMV, you bet I had to get it. After all, girls love sales!


Unless it’s a clothes sale. Clothes sales suck balls.

That was two years ago, by the way.

Recently I was sorting out my geek-stye and rediscovered it, still wrapped in shiny stiff-plastic stuff, and thought to myself, “welp, I’ve got nothing better to do. Better check out this badly green-screened 70’s shit, then...”

And that, dear reader, was when I fell in love.